When I was younger, I used to joke around that we were going through quarter-life crises as things tumbled around us.
And tonight, after realizing my dissatisfaction with my life right now, I looked up what this crisis actually entails.
Here are the signs according to Wikipedia:
* feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level
* frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
* confusion of identity
* insecurity regarding the near future
* insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
* insecurity regarding present accomplishments
* re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
* disappointment with one’s job
* nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
* tendency to hold stronger opinions
* boredom with social interactions
* loss of closeness to high school and college friends
* financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
* desire to have children
* a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
The ones in bold are the ones I can identify with right now. Notice, the only one that isn’t bolded is the boredom with social interactions. For the first time in a year, I feel like I actually have a social life. It’s nice.
And don’t be alarmed about the “desire to have children” thing. It’s mostly because every time I talk to someone from high school, someone else has a new baby. It makes me wonder when I’ll have that kind of news.
I’ve always been that person who has the five-year plan, the one who somehow has her shit together. I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life and how I was going to do that. Even in bad times, I pushed on because I knew that it’d get me to where I wanted to go. People would tell me they thought I was older than my actual age because I was so focused.
And now, for the last couple of months, I’ve had more than one person ask me about my priorities and what I want in life.
The truth is, I don’t know.
I’m 20. It’s to be expected. Everyone goes through this, right?
I think half the problem is that I worry constantly about other people’s expectations of me. My parents, my co-workers, my friends. It’s probably time to start worrying about what I want out of my life than what everyone else expects me to do with it.
I think I need some time to figure this out. I’m banking on Thanksgiving. Five days of sitting at my parents’ house for lack of transportation, with a laptop, books, movies and my thoughts.
It’s going to be fabulous.
13 days to go.